Housedogs’ Handbook

Housedogs’ Handbook

Chapter 12 – Responses to Water

Definition of Water

Water is a wet substance.  It can come in large or small quantities and can be found both outside and indoors.  It is an important part of the dietary supplement and should be consumed daily (preferably from the toilet or out of the Human Owner Person’s [HOP] cup).  Besides being necessary for proper hydration, water can be used for a variety of recreational uses.

Acceptable Forms/Uses of Water

Water is acceptable for recreational use in the following forms:

  • Puddles (in this case, the muddier the better)
  • Sprinklers
  • Water Hoses
  • Ponds
  • Lakes
  • Oceans (these take some getting used to: be sure to attempt if you have a sensitive digestion system as vomiting may occur as a positive side effect)
  • Streams/Rivers
  • Kiddie Pools
  • Large swimming pools (preferably the ones marked “No Dogs Allowed)
  • Water Bowls
  • Rain
  • Snow (while an arguable form of water, it can be used as an acceptable substitute if no other sources are available.  It will be discussed further in Chapter 15: Acceptable Responses to Weather, Precipitation and Natural Disasters).

Unacceptable Use of Water

While all of the above are fun and should be indulged in regularly for proper housedog healthiness, there is one form of water that should be avoided at all costs: THE BATH.  The Bath is a form of slow and terrible torture developed by the HOPs for unknown reasons.  It is something akin to being hung up by your tongue, having each of your toenails pulled out slowly, one by one, or being dressed in a fat pumpkin suit.  While generally HOPs are mild-mannered and laid back, gentle, if a bit slow, occasionally they are seized with bouts of fierce desires to torment their dogs.  As of yet, it has not been discovered what causes The Bath, but our specialists are researching it diligently.   Even the most well-behaved housedog will be faced with this situation at some point in time.  The Bath can be conducted inside or out, in tubs with warm water and cups or with cold water from the garden hose.  Regardless of when, where or how The Bath occurs, the housedog’s mandate is RESISTANCE!  Feel free to engage in any evasive maneuvers, including (but not limited to) the following:

  • Avoidance
  • Ignoring commands to come
  • Hiding
  • Running away
  • Splaying feet out for better grip on ground if HOP tries lifting
  • Repeatedly running past HOP pretending not to be able to find them
  • Struggling
  • Whining
  • Continuous shaking during the procedure, covering the HOP with as much water as possible

As always, the proper housedog will never resort to growling, snapping or biting the HOP, although vicious attacks on the hose, dipping cups or towels are appropriate and fully acceptable.  When The Bath has concluded, the suitable response is to sit shivering and staring at the HOP with betrayal and intense sadness.  Be sure to look pitiful and an occasional whimper is acceptable, but don’t take it too far: it should be pathetic, not pleading or annoying.

In the end, despite the horrendous nature of The Bath, it is always necessary to forgive the HOP: after all, they’re only human.


~ S.D. Bullard

*Thanks goes out to Vala and Deeks for their valuable input on this article


~ by sdbullard on December 23, 2013.

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