The Housedogs’ Handbook – Ch. 4

The Housedogs’ Handbook

Chapter 4 – The Vacuum Beast


Despite the long-standing relationship between the Housedog and the Human Owner Person (HOP), there are still some aspects about this two-legged creature that the Housedog does not completely understand. One of these things is what the HOPs call “vacuum”.

Just about every Housedog will know this word, because almost every Housedog has some breed of this beast living in their home; sometimes, more than one. Experts are still studying this phenomenon, but to date, they have not been able to establish what, exactly, it is. There is no smell of life to it, yet it frequently growls and whines.

The Vacuum Beast is generally a docile creature. It sleeps more than the Feline Persuasion of House Pet, seeming to prefer enclosed spaces like closets, spare bedrooms or corners. But every once in a while, the HOP will wake it up and tie its leash to the wall. The HOP then exercises the Vacuum Beast by chasing it back and forth across the floors.

Although we have not fully identified the nature of the Vacuum Beast, we have developed two accepted responses to its activities.

The Defensive

Many Housedogs find this the most attractive of the options because it plays on the natural desire of the Housedog to be protective. To properly execute this response, the Housedog must be ready the moment the Vacuum Beast is removed from its dormant position.   Circle around the Vacuum Beast, keeping a close eye on it. (Another option is to stand in one place, with feet braced, often in the half crouch position, with the hindquarters raised and prepared to propel the body forward.)   The HOP will fasten the Vacuum Beast’s leash to the wall and then wake it up. As soon as it is awake, the Vacuum Beast will start growling and moving, dragging the HOP along with it. As this can be dangerous to the HOP, it is important to try to stop it. Utilize any of the following tactics:

  • Jumping at the Vacuum Beast
  • Barking
  • Growling
  • Pawing
  • Snapping
  • Biting

It is vital, if you choose to go this route, that you do NOT touch the HOP; they will be moving around quite a bit, as they are apt to do (See Chapter 7), and may get between the Housedog and the Vacuum Beast. Exercise the caution every good Housedog is inherently endowed with.

The Passive Aggressive

This is a good tactic for the older Housedog and the lazy Housedog (yes, we regretfully admit there are, in fact, lazy Housedogs out there). To utilize this method, lie down in the location most inconvenient for the Vacuum Beast. This method, while easier in execution, does take some research. The Housedog must watch the Vacuum Beast and determine its pattern of movement.   Then lie down wherever it has been determined the Vacuum Beast is heading. The Vacuum Beast will generally come close, hesitate, then shy away. At this point, the Housedog must get up and move to the next location the Vacuum Beast is headed. The Housedog truly adept at this can make it look as though they are trying to stay out of the way, while in reality they are putting themselves in the way. The benefit to this tactic is that it will often frustrate the Vacuum Beast, and may discourage it from coming out as often.

A Note

While it is not an accepted means of response, we are aware that there are Housedogs who deal with the Vacuum Beast by hiding. Considering that the Vacuum Beast almost never moves around the house without an HOP, it is important that a good Housedog keeps a close eye on this creature. Never forget, our primary responsibility is to keep the HOPs in our possession safe. This means that, regardless of our fears and discomforts, we can never leave them on their own. Remember: they are fragile creatures.


~ S.D. Bullard

*Thanks to Vala and Deeks for their invaluable input on this article


~ by sdbullard on October 31, 2015.

3 Responses to “The Housedogs’ Handbook – Ch. 4”

  1. Ha, ha! I love this!

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